The Last Letter.

The Last Letter

by Ella Draven

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~  Stephanie fumbled in her purse, looking for her keys. She hated that she always seemed to lose them when she was in the biggest hurry. She wanted to leave before anyone tried to stop her, even though she really doubted anyone would. She was a fool to have shown up to the party in the first place. Stephanie always had the lurking feeling that Marcus’ friends didn't care too much for her, and thought she was weird. She didn’t care about any of that, though. Marcus was her friend before he was super famous, and he knew that. She knew him long before the groupies knew anything about him, and loved him more than he knew.  

     Just as she’d found her round keychain and pushed the key in the lock, she faintly saw someone coming through the fog. She absent-mindedly opened the car door while trying to find the face of the figure, hoping it was Marcus.  Please, let it be Marcus, let him have come to find me, she whispered to herself.

     But it wasn't Marcus.  The figure was Marcus’ sister Diana, with her boyfriend Carlos following closely behind. Stephanie lowered her sappy, hopeful look, got into the car and slammed the door. Diana skipped quickly in her stilettos over to her window before Stephanie could drive away, and started tapping on the glass.

     “Stephanie!!! Talk to me!! What happened? Where are you going?” Diana asked her through the glass. Stephanie turned the keys in the ignition but didn't start the car. She looked up at Diana, who was still tapping and screaming into the window, and lowered her resistance. She hit the button to open the window.

     “I have to go, I’m sorry Diana. I know I probably ruined the party but I can’t be here, I just can’t stand to see this.” Stephanie's voice shook and cracked, and she tried hard to hold back her tears.

     “Wait, what? Stephanie, what are you talking about? See what?” said Diana, her growing concern for Stephanie becoming apparent as the pitch in her voice went higher at the end of each question.  Diana didn't see Stephanie drink anything, but she still was worried about her driving around tonight. She didn't want her to drive home alone-- it was Super Bowl Sunday and the cops were sure to be out and prowling for DUIs.

     “I can’t see him do it anymore, Diana. I've seen too much, I’ve heard too much, and it all just hurts." The tears started to come, but Stephanie wasn't trying to hide it anymore.  "I know that it was wrong, but I fell in love with Marcus. I realize it now more than ever, but he just doesn't care.  He is never going to want me in return, and I've been too blind to see it. I’m sorry Diana, but I have to go now.” Stephanie turned the ignition to fire up the engine, rolled up her window and began to back out of the parking space. Diana backed away from where she stood to give her space. Stephanie sped off down the street, while Diana stood in the cold and fog, shocked to the bone by Stephanie's revelation.

     “Stephanie loves Marcus… How could I have not seen it before?” she said sadly as Carlos walked over to her and put his coat on her shoulders.

~~   When Stephanie got home, she kicked off all the glitz and glamour she piled onto herself earlier that night. Here she was, looking like Cocktail Waitress Barbie, and the whole time Marcus never really cared whether she was there or not. She walked into her bathroom, sat down on the toilet lid and began taking off her makeup. She let out a long sigh, ashamed of the glittery image in the mirror, and started to cry. What have I become? She thought to herself.

     Stephanie showered, allowing all her pain and sorrow to fall down into the drain. After she shook out her hair and drew her journal from between her bed mattresses, she began to write. She didn't really focus so much on what she was writing, but on all the pain she was in at that moment.  She thought of all the good times they shared, the nights they spent just talking forever about everything they loved, and even the night she spent looking into his eyes. She remembered his hockey days and the times she’d help him lug his equipment around. She even remembered when her car spit out antifreeze liquid all over her suit after her car accident—a  “slight miscalculation,” as Stephanie called it—and Marcus was there to help her get her car towed, and took her home afterward. 

     Then she remembered all the bad days. Those were the days of being introduced to girlfriends, and the subsequent feeling of abandonment when the text messages, pictures and the funny notes all stopped.  Marcus would cease to exist in Stephanie's life when there was an aspiring actress waiting in his wings. Stephanie hated them and the way they would pretend to like what he liked just so they could keep him.  She hated their fake, suspicious attitudes whenever she came to visit. Maybe one could say they were right to fear her… at least, that’s what she used to think.

     Now I see this clearly, she said to herself as she stared down at the scribble she’d written. She read it over a few times to make sure she was clear, and then she pulled out her laptop. As she turned on the machine, she kept considering whether she should do this by email.  After all this time, she could just tell him in person but she didn't trust herself. The moment she looked into his deep, coffee-brown eyes, she would melt and forget all she wanted to say.  No, she told herself, this way is better. She opened her word processor and began tapping away. The sun had risen by the time she had finished, and she was visibly tired, disheveled hair and bubblegum-pink eyes with trails of dried tears on her cheeks.  She read it over one more time, pressed Send, and fell down on her bed with tears in her eyes.

~~   The sound of Stephanie’s email alert woke Marcus from sleep. The sound of a car engine startled him, and after realizing he wasn’t about to be run down by a Ford Truck,, he reached for his phone. He’d been waiting for it to ring all night.  He didn't know any of the details, but he knew that Stephanie had suddenly left the party and didn't tell him that she was leaving, or why. He wanted to go after her, but Rose was standing in the staircase and wouldn't let him pass. He spent the rest of the night getting hammered, and even though Rose was there and all his friends were laughing and cheering, he was miserable the entire night. It was supposed to be a fun night-- what the hell made it go so wrong?

     The phone buzzed in his hand with a call from Rose. Dammit, he thought. If Rose isn't here, then she took my car and drove herself home. He hesitated to talk to her, since the last conversation he’d had with her had been an argument last night right before the party had wrapped up. By the time the party was over, it was only he, Rose, and his buddies Choc and Robert who were left, and they'd been up drinking until Marcus passed out. He couldn't remember what exactly he and Rose were arguing about, but he could hear the shrill whine of her complaining still ringing in his ears.

     But-- she DID still have his car. He answered the call at the third ring. 

     

     “Good Morning, Sweetheart. Did you sleep off all that partying?” Rose said in a sugary-sweet voice.

     “Uh, yea, I think so. Good morning to you. Did you sleep off all that complaining?” said Marcus with a sharp sarcastic tone.

     “That’s uncalled for, Marcus. I was not complaining, I was pointing out the obvious.”     

                “And what’s that, Rose?”     
            
            “That you are too much of a flirt, and sometimes these girls, they get the wrong         idea.”     
            
            “What are you talking about, Rose? Who are ‘these girls’? What idea?”     
            
            “Oh come on, you know what I’m talking about. That friend of yours, Stephanie, she absolutely lost her mind last night. She started freaking out at the sight of you and me together, and she bolted out of the door. She told your sister that she ‘couldn’t stand it’ anymore and that she ‘loves you’. Come on now Marcus, what did you say to her that had her so convinced that you would be with her?”     
            
            “Stephanie?? What are you talking about, Rose? Stephanie doesn’t love me—I mean, she does, but in a best-buddy kind of way. You’re making it sound like she’s in love with me or something.”     
            
            “Well, you better talk to Diana, because she told Jessica, and Jessica told Sandy, and Sandy told Erica, and Erica told ME that Stephanie told Diana she was leaving because she couldn't stand to see you being with ME. She’s crazy, she’s probably all like, unbalanced and stuff. I mean, who in their right mind would think you would break up with ME over HER. That’s like, stupid.”     
            
             Marcus was starting to lose his patience. “Rose, did you do or say anything to her that would have embarrassed her in some way? You've been acting rather hostile towards Stephanie, and don’t think I haven’t noticed.  Did you do anything to cause this?”     
           
           “ME?? No, I didn't do anything to that little weirdo. Her face was just all twisted when you came down the stairs and I went to kiss you. She’s just a jealous stalker person who’s probably watching you while you sleep and she’s probably got pictures of you playing Xbox in your underwear.”     
           
           Marcus sighed heavily, exasperated to death with talking to Rose. He definitely had to cut this one loose.

     “Look Rose, I have to go, I will talk to you later… bring my damn car back.”     

Marcus hung up the call, and went back to his email. He saw the message from Stephanie: The Last Letter was the message title. He had his finger on the button to open the window when the phone rang again. He wanted to ignore the call, but this time it was Diana and Carlos smiling back at him. He answered the phone immediately.      

“Diana! What the hell happened? I just talked to Rose and—“      

“Oh Marcus, you’re such an idiot,” Diana responded without allowing Marcus to finish his rant. “What did you do say to Stephanie? Please tell me you didn’t run the same lame game on her.”      

“Diana, what the fuck are you talking about? What game? I didn’t do anything to that girl.  Rose just finished telling me that Stephanie freaked out when she saw Rose kiss me. She said that Stephanie told you that she’s in love with me. This makes no fucking sense, Diana. This doesn’t seem like the Stephanie I know,” Marcus replied. His mind was going a mile a minute, trying to understand Stephanie’s action.      

“Look Marcus, I don’t know what you said or did, but she’s plenty upset. She sped out of here like she was fleeing the scene of a crime,” Diana said, with Marcus noting hints of a harsh tone.
      

“What did Stephanie say, Diana? Tell me exactly what she said.”      

“She said she couldn’t stand the sight of watching you with other women. She said she was in love with you and she realized that you were never going to love her back, and that she had to go. That was it; she sped off after that.”      

Marcus sat with the phone in his hand, too stunned to answer. Stephanie said she was in love with me, he thought to himself. How could she think that I wouldn’t want her if she never told me how she felt?      

“Marcus, I’m your big sister.  I’ve seen you with plenty of girls, a lot more than I’ve ever cared to see. I’ll tell you, there’s no other girl that is there for you, and looks at you the way I’ve seen Stephanie look at you. She thinks you’re the greatest guy there is, and best of all, you trust her enough to be your best friend. The way I see it, you can either be her best friend, tell her the truth about how you feel and respect her feelings—Or, you can look inside yourself and really ask the tough questions: How much do you really love Stephanie, and do you want to be with her?”      

Marcus was silent while he was listening to everything Diana had to say. Of course, she had a point.  Maybe he hadn't been very fair to Stephanie; after all, there were the times when he would get too caught up with a new girlfriend and he would ignore her calls and text messages. He never meant to be mean to her; and he never wanted to hurt her feelings.      

“I hear you, Diana,” Marcus finally said. “I don’t really know what to feel right now, but I do know one thing- I don’t want to lose Stephanie, I don’t want her to be out of my life.”      

“That’s great, Marcus… but I’m not the one that you should be talking to. You have to find her and tell her the truth.”      

“I will Diana, and thank you. Tell Carlos I said hi.”      

“Will do, Marky… Love ya lots.”      

“Love you too, Di.”

     Marcus ended the call, and sat on the edge of his bed.  All the memories of Stephanie flooded his mind, all at once. How could he have missed her? Why didn’t she ever say anything?  He began to feel all the waves of guilt for having been so careless of her feelings. Wait, but she did tell me what she's feeling.

The Last Letter, Marcus suddenly remembered. Oh no. 

He picked up his phone and reopened the email window. As he read the email, his heart began to sink into his stomach.

     “Dearest Marcus,   

     

     “I wish I could just stop thinking about you. I wish I could just decide to stop caring, especially when I know I don’t need to be caring about you, and you don’t deserve my attention.  But dammit, I wish I did not love you, worry about you, and miss you.  I want to stop wishing you would call, I want to stop reading your one-word Facebook messages, I want you to just fucking want me back. Why is it so easy for you to dismiss me? Why are all these maniacs your preferred method of receiving love?

     

     “I can’t go on trying to make you see what you don’t want to see. I can’t go on wanting to be there all the time, and just waiting for the scraps you throw like I’m an old dog waiting for a meal. I don’t want to be angry with you, but I’m also frustrated because I can’t understand why you would ignore what it is that we have? If it really is nothing, please TELL ME!!! I don’t want to be some psycho either, at least not the kind that throws bricks through your windows.

     

      “My heart has bled all it can without losing the capacity to beat. I don’t want to end up someone that loses the will to love because I wasted it all on someone who couldn’t see what is standing in front of him. My life isn’t perfect, but neither is yours. I don’t have it all together, but neither do you. Why is it so wrong to still want you anyway?

     

     “I’m reading back at my own words, and I see how stupid this all is. What the hell am I doing, pining away for someone that doesn’t love me back? I’m making a damn fool of myself trying to convince you of something you don’t really want. You only come looking for me when you’re between whores and need someone to make you feel superior again, and you can look down at me, the poor nerdy girl and, in true nerd-fashion, I feel so great to be in your presence. When I met you so many years ago, you were the sweetest and most gifted guy I'd ever known. I wish I knew where that guy was now, I'd beg him to beat your ass and take his body back.

     “If you had to choose between being with me and never seeing me again, I know without a doubt in my mind that you’d choose the latter; because if you really wanted me, you would have been with me already. You’d be here now, and I wouldn’t be writing this stupid letter to you, or no one, or whoever the hell reads this one day.

“In my heart, though…. I don’t know if you would pick me. But I’d sure as hell be happy if you did, and I’d show you for the rest of your life.

--BFF

     Marcus closed the message window.  He was in shock—he had no idea that Stephanie felt this way.  He needed to speak to her, right now. Every minute that passed meant that Stephanie was losing her love for him, and he knew he didn't want to lose her. He pushed off his bed, got dressed in a flash and went for his keys. As he stood up he felt around in his front pocket, then the back, then his jacket.  "Where the fuck are my keys??” he said aloud to no one. He darted out of the bedroom to the end table in the hallway and yanked the drawer out of the cupboard, dropping all of its contents onto the floor. He pulled the spare keys out of the heap and dashed out the front door. 

     Then he realized: he didn’t have a car. Rose had his car. That silly bitch was the one who started this whole mess in the first place.

     Marcus dialed Stephanie’s number, impatiently waiting for the ring tone, but it was instead replaced by a dark voice shouting a code number. Great, she disconnected her phone. Marcus was starting to lose his mind. What do I do? How do I find her, how do I get to her? Wait—Choc knows where she lives. He dialed Choc’s number.

     “What’s up dawg? Where you gonna be at tonight? I heard it’s gonna be hella crackin over at Guiley’s. There’s gonna be all kinds of pretty lil’ thangs up in there!!!”

      “Nah man, I’m cool. Hey, do you remember that girl Stephanie? The one you dropped off that night after the movie?”

      “Yeah dawg, what about her?

      “I need you to tell me where you dropped her off."

     “Awww, You ain’t going after her, are you? Man, I already told you about her, she’s weirdo, dawg. You can find someone way better than that. Trust me, I know what I’m talki—“

     “Hey, shut the fuck up, okay? I called for her address, not your fucking opinion. Now are you going to give it to me or what?”

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~